Dr. Pausch began his last lecture by cutting to the chase:

So, you know, in case there’s anybody who wandered in and doesn’t know the back story, my dad always taught me that when there’s an elephant in the room, introduce them. If you look at my CAT scans, there are approximately 10 tumors in my liver, and the doctors told me 3–6 months of good health left. That was a month ago, so you can do the math. I have some of the best doctors in the world. … So that is what it is. We can’t change it, and we just have to decide how we’re going to respond to that. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. If I don’t seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you. And I assure you I am not in denial. It’s not like I’m not aware of what’s going on. My family, my three kids, my wife, we just decamped. We bought a lovely house in Virginia, and we’re doing that because that’s a better place for the family to be, down the road. And the other thing is I am in phenomenally good health right now. I mean it’s the greatest thing of cognitive dissonance you will ever see is the fact that I am in really good shape. In fact, I am in better shape than most of you. [At this point in the lecture, he gets on the ground and executes some one-handed pushups.] So anybody who wants to cry or pity me can come down and do a few of those, and then you may pity me.

Dr. Pausch goes on to recount his childhood dreams—being in zero gravity, playing in the National Football League, being an author in the World Book Encyclopedia, being Captain Kirk, working for Disney—and what it takes to achieve them:
… remember, the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. … [H]ave something to bring to the table, … because that will make you more welcome.

And he discloses some valuable lessons learned along the way:
I did not make it to the National Football League, but I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish. … when you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care. … And the other thing about football is we send our kids out to play football or soccer or swimming or whatever it is, and it’s the first example of what I’m going to call a head fake, or indirect learning. We actually don’t want our kids to learn football. … we send our kids out to learn much more important things. Teamwork, sportsmanship, perseverance, et cetera, et cetera.

Dr. Pausch’s legacy is built on what he calls the “head fake” or indirect learning.
So Alice is a project that we worked on for a long, long time. It’s a novel way to teach computer programming. Kids make movies and games. The head fake, again, we’re back to the head fakes. The best way to teach somebody something is to have them think they’re learning something else. … the head fake here is that they’re learning to program but they just think they’re making movies and video games. This thing has already been downloaded well over a million times. … And it’s not the good stuff yet. The good stuff is coming in the next version. I, like Moses, get to see the promised land, but I won’t get to set foot in it. And that’s OK, because I can see it. And the vision is clear. Millions of kids having fun while learning something hard. That’s pretty cool. I can deal with that as a legacy.

He hasn’t forgotten the instrumental people along the way and, among many others, credits his parents with helping him achieve his dreams and keeping him grounded.
When I was here studying to get my Ph.D. and I was taking something called the theory qualifier, which I can definitively say is the second worst thing in my life after chemotherapy. And I was complaining to my mother about how hard this test was and how awful it was, and she just leaned over and she patted me on the arm and she said, “we know how you feel honey, and remember when your father was your age he was fighting the Germans.” After I got my Ph.D., my mother took great relish in introducing me as, “this is my son, he’s a doctor but not the kind that helps people.”

But he has never forgotten that it is all about having fun.
[Carnegie Mellon University] President Cohen, when I told him I was going to do this talk, said, “please tell them about having fun, because that’s what I remember you for.” And I said, “I can do that, but it’s kind of like a fish talking about the importance of water.” I mean I don’t know how to not have fun. I’m dying and I’m having fun. And I’m going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there’s no other way to play it.
So my next piece of advice is, you just have to decide if you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore. I think I’m clear where I stand on the great Tigger/Eeyore debate. Never lose the childlike wonder. It’s just too important. It’s what drives us.

Dr. Pausch concluded his lecture with words of wisdom from his lessons learned, summarized as follows:
Loyalty is a two-way street.

Never give up.

You get people to help you by telling the truth. Being earnest. I’ll take an earnest person over a hip person every day, because hip is short term. Earnest is long term.

Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people, not on yourself.

Get a feedback loop and listen to it. … Anybody can get chewed out. It’s the rare person who says, oh my god, you were right. … When people give you feedback, cherish it and use it.

Show gratitude.

Don’t complain. Just work harder.

Be good at something, it makes you valuable.

Work hard.

Find the best in everybody. … No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side; just keep waiting, it will come out.

And be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity.

The final “head fake” of Dr. Pausch’s last lecture was that none of this was meant for the audience, but for his children. And that may be his true legacy.

To read the complete transcript of Randy Pausch’s last lecture or to view the lecture online, visit http://www.randypausch.com.

Ten Tips on Coping with Pet Loss
by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.
Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion, or family member knows the intense pain that accompanies the loss of that friend. Following are some tips on coping with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a pet.

1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s silly, crazy, or overly sentimental to grieve!

During the years you spent with your pet (even if they were few), it became a significant and constant part of your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship, of unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don’t be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.

People who don’t understand the pet/owner bond may not understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how you feel. Don’t let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and may be extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.

2. What Can I Expect to Feel?
Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions:

Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet’s death-the “if only I had been more careful” syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness that claimed your pet’s life, and only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief.
Denial makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone. It’s hard to imagine that your pet won’t greet you when you come home, or that it doesn’t need its evening meal. Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being “disloyal” to the old.
Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who “failed” to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but can leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.
3. What can I do about my feelings?
The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings. Don’t deny your pain, or your feelings of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them.

You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify them.

Locking away grief doesn’t make it go away. Express it. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most. Don’t try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand what your pet’s loss actually means to you.

Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a photo collage; and talking to others about your loss.

4. Who can I talk to?
If your family or friends love pets, they’ll understand what you’re going through. Don’t hide your feelings in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to about how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.

If you don’t have family or friends who understand, or if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check with your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.

5. When is the right time to euthanize a pet?
Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet’s physical condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality of your pet’s daily life. If a pet has a good appetite, responds to attention, seeks its owner’s company, and participates in play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time. However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that aren’t helping greatly, unresponsive to affection, unaware of its surroundings, and uninterested in life, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion’s suffering.

Evaluate your pet’s health honestly and unselfishly with your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet’s suffering in order to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act of love that you can make for your pet.

6. Should I stay during euthanasia?
Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort themselves by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic, and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though natural-are likely to upset your pet.

Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the owner to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are also willing to euthanize a pet at home. Others have come to an owner’s car to administer the injection. Again, consider what will be least traumatic for you and your pet, and discuss your desires and concerns with your veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to accommodate your wishes, request a referral.

7. What do I do next?
When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains. Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. Some shelters also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for disposal.

If you prefer a more formal option, several are available. Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property for it. It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However, city regulations usually prohibit pet burials, and this is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently.

To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs vary depending on the services you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have. Cremation is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your pet’s remains in a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city), scatter them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety are available).

Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory for options available in your area. Consider your living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision. It’s also wise to make such plans in advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.

8. What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much information your children can handle about death and the loss of their pet. Don’t underestimate them, however. You may find that, by being honest with them about your pet’s loss, you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions they have about death.

Honesty is important. If you say the pet was “put to sleep,” make sure your children understand the difference between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet “went away,” or your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. That also makes it harder for a child to accept a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that it is happy and free of pain.

Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve. Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to “be strong” or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don’t try to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well. Discuss the issue with the entire family, and give everyone a chance to work through their grief at their own pace.

9. Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.

You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period. Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving pets may not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow in time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing for your own grief.

10. Should I get a new pet right away?
Generally, the answer is no. One needs time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent a new pet for trying to “take the place” of the old-for what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular may feel that loving a new pet is “disloyal” to the previous pet.

When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a “lookalike” pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don’t expect your new pet to be “just like” the one you lost, but allow it to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old. Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to the old one: It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion also caused a few problems when it was young!

A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and build a new relationship-rather than looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an animal with whom you can build another long, loving relationship-because this is what having a pet is all about!

All life is sacred. Since life is an affirmation of the
Creator, I shall live on, even when I am gone. In
trailing clouds of glory shall I return to my Creator
only to find that I had never really left. I shall walk
among the lilies of the field and leave my trail in
stardust in the sky.
– John Harricharan

Compensation

God, I have known sorrow-
I have stood by helplessly,
as fate like a madly rushing, rising river,
Sullen and ruthless, swept from me everything worth
buying at life’s mart;
Baby eyes, slowly clouding with death,
have pleaded for life,
As I stood by anxious and sorrowing,
but oh! how helpless.
Sorrow has squeezed my heart dry of all emotion,
Even the tears are gone from my eyes,
I smile-I smile, but God, I have known sorrow.

You have been kind, dear God, for I have known love-
Not mere white, hot passion, but a love so possessing,
Consuming, that no sacrifice was too great to keep it;
A love that hid me from every hurt,
taking me in its strong, tender arms
Up to a land peopled with fairies,
and carpeted with pale hyacinths.
I willingly bear the the lonliness-the sorrow-
Since I have known love.
– Ruby Berkeley Goodwin

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
– C.S. Lewis

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a
person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through
his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an
emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system.
Here lies the road to recovery.
– F. Alexander Magoun

The Bustle in a House
The Morning after Death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth-
The Sweeping up the Heart
And putting Love away
We shall not want to use again
Until Eternity.
– Emily Dickinson

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me
but I find I am grateful for having loved them.The
gratitude has finally conquered the loss.
– Rita Mae Brown

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.
– Christina Rossetti

Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his
own burden, his own way.
– Anne Morrow Lindbergh

The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born.
And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and
they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I
have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to
the butterfly of the universe.
– John Harricharan

The Widower

For a season there must be pain-
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While she is at rest in her place.

For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till Time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.

For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life’s last hour nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.

But I shall not understand-
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, “Who but I have the right?”
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.
– Rudyard Kipling

Perhaps, they are not stars in the sky, but rather
openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know
they are happy.
– Eskimo legend

It is possible to provide security against other ills, but
as far as death is concerned, we men live in a city
without walls.
– Epicurus

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.
– Jewish Proverb

It’s fantastic knowing you’re going to die; it really
makes having priorities and trying to follow them very
real to you.
– Susan Sontag

Rest assured that in her dying, in her flight through
darkness toward a new light, she held you in her arms
and carried your closeness with her. And when she
arrived at God, your image was imprinted on her
joy-filled soul.
– Molly Fumia

Not only should we be unashamed of grief, confident
that its expression will not permanently hurt us, but
we should also possess the wisdom to talk about our
loss and through that creative conversation with
friends and companions begin to reconstruct the broken
fragments of our lives . . . We should not resist the
sympathy and stimulation of social interaction. We
should learn not to grow impatient with the slow
healing process of time . . . We should anticipate
these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable
pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to
consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually
giving way under the healing sunlight of love,
friendship, social challange, to the new weaving of a
pattern of action and the acceptance of the irrestible
challenge of life.
– Rabbi Joshua L. Liebman

I’m Gone now, but I’m still very near.
Death can never separate us.
Each time you feel a gentle breeze,
It’s my hand caressing your face.
Each time the wind blows,
It carries my voice whispering your name.
When the wind blows your hair ever so slightly,
Think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place.
When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face,
It’s me placing soft kisses.
At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly.
I’m one of those stars and I’m winking at you and smiling with delight.
For never forget you’re the apple of my eye.
– Mary M. Green

What is a Living Will?

A living will is a legal document that a person uses to make known his or her wishes regarding life prolonging medical treatments. It can also be referred to as an advance directive, health care directive, or a physician’s directive. A living will should not be confused with a living trust, which is a mechanism for holding and distributing a person’s assets to avoid probate. It is important to have a living will as it informs your health care providers and your family about your desires for medical treatment in the event you are not able to speak for yourself.

The requirements for a living will vary by state so you may want to have a lawyer prepare your living will. Many lawyers who practice in the area of estate planning include a living will and a health care power of attorney in their package of estate planning documents. If you need to write or update a will or trust, you can take care of your living will at the same time.

Generally, a living will describes certain life prolonging treatments. You, the declarant, indicate which treatments you do or do not want applied to you in the event you either suffer from a terminal illness or are in a permanent vegetative state. A living will does not become effective unless you are incapacitated; until then you’ll be able to say what treatments you do or don’t want. They usually require a certification by your doctor and another doctor that you are either suffering from a terminal illness or permanently unconscious before they become effective as well. This means that if you suffer a heart attack, for example, but otherwise do not have any terminal illness and are not permanently unconscious, a living will does not have any effect. You would still be resuscitated, even if you had a living will indicating that you don’t want life prolonging procedures. A living will is only used when your ultimate recovery is hopeless.

For situations where you are incapacitated and therefore not able to speak for yourself, but your health is not so dire that your living will becomes effective, you should have a health care power of attorney or health care proxy. A health care power of attorney is a legal document that gives someone else the authority to make health care decisions for you in the event you are incapacitated. The person you designate to make health care decisions on your behalf is supposed to consider what you would want, so be sure to talk with them about it. It may be a difficult conversation, but you’re asking someone to take on a great burden for you - letting him or her know what you want lessens that burden.

None of these documents will do you any good if no one knows about them. You have to talk with your doctor and the person you designate as your health care proxy. Discuss with your doctor what kinds of end of life medical treatments you want. He or she can help you by answering any questions you have about certain treatments. Once you’ve decided what it is you do or don’t want, make your wishes known to your doctor and your family.
by Rebecca Berlin

Thoughts for living a good life

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others. Negative emotions drain you of energy.
20. Make peace with your past, so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school, and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive and you will feel healed.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it WILL change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
40. Spend time each day with God in His word.

A funeral is so much more than a way to say goodbye; it’s an opportunity to celebrate the life of someone special.

Today, a funeral can be as unique as the individual who is being honored. From simple touches like displaying personal photographs to events created around a favorite pastime, funerals can reflect any aspect of a person’s life and personality.

Following are questions you can use to help you decide how to personalize a service:

•What did the person like to do?
•What was the person like as an individual?
•What was the person like as a professional?
•Was the person spiritual?
•Was the person proud of their heritage?

What did the person like to do?

Often people have hobbies that become more than just a casual pastime. Their activity could have been as much a part of who they were as their smile. Why not showcase that important part of their life during the funeral?

Incorporating a hobby can be as simple as:

•Displaying items used for their hobby; e.g. sports equipment, gardening tools, or collections.
•Personalizing the casket or urn with a symbol of their hobby.
•Displaying trophies or awards they won.
•Creating a picture board or presentation featuring pictures of them engaged in their hobby.
•Having someone speak about the person’s passion for the hobby.
By adding these or other personal touches to a funeral, the service becomes a reflection of the person’s life and personality.
What was the person like as an individual?

One way to enhance a funeral is by bringing a piece of the person’s personality to life. Consider what made that person special, what made them who they were? Then find ways to link their individuality to traditional aspects of a funeral service.

As an example, an avid cowboy or cowgirl may want to ride of into the sunset one last time. Tasteful ways to honor their wish include:

•Having their saddle and riding equipment displayed
•Playing western music
•Having their horse walk in the procession
•Having a barbecue after the service
Other themes you may want to consider:

•Military honors for a member of the armed forces
•Tailgate party for a sports enthusiast
•Harley-Davidson rally for the Harley owner
What was the person like as a professional?

Many people take great pride in their career. Perhaps they dedicated a lifetime to a profession that transformed into more than just a job. If this holds true for your loved one, you may want to consider ways to include their professional life into their funeral service.

Following are two examples of how you could incorporate a profession into a service:

For a teacher:

•Have the choir or band from the school perform during the visitation or service.
•Encourage students to write essays about the person, which could be displayed.
•Invite a past student to speak at the service.
For a fire person/police officer:
•Incorporate any honors or traditions that their department has established.
•Use fire trucks or police vehicles in the procession.
•Have bagpipers play at the visitation or service.
•Display their uniform and equipment.
Was the person spiritual?

Through organized religion or personal beliefs, most people have some sense of spirituality in their life. Often those values are from the very core of who the person was in life. Therefore, you may feel it is important to incorporate the individual’s sense of spirituality into their funeral service.

Following are ideas on how to incorporate spirituality into a funeral service:

•Hold the service at the person’s parish or religious facility.
•Have someone read excerpts from a key religious publication (i.e. Bible, Koran, etc.).
•Decorate the funeral home with symbols of the person’s faith.
•Have the person’s cremated remains scattered at a place of spiritual significance to them.
•Read a prayer that touches on their key beliefs.
•Include sacred music from the religion in the service.

From the an article from NFDA

It seems good to mark and to remember for a little while the place where a man died.” John Steinbeck wrote those words in “The Log from the Sea of Cortez,” and, as evidenced by roadsides across the United States, people have taken them to heart.

Although the Federal Highway Administration and some states prohibit roadside memorials to those who have died in traffic accidents, they are increasingly common. The reasons for allowing them or for banning them vary as much as the memorials themselves. In fact, in probably no other area of public life does public practice diverge so dramatically from official policy.

In Nevada, for example, memorials are either “not allowed for safety reasons” or they are viewed “as a positive marker in life — a grim reminder that we all need to watch out for each other,” depending on when and whom a caller asks. The Nevada Department of Transportation prohibits roadside memorials for safety reasons, but employees recently erected a large memorial to one of their own co-workers who was killed in the line of duty. And, despite state and federal sanctions against memorials on interstate highways, Interstate 80 across Nevada claims dozens of them, including one in memory of Highway Patrol Trooper Carlos Borland, who was shot in the line of duty near Lovelock.

Across the state line, things are different. “We take them down,” says a California official. “They are an impediment that causes other people to stop and get hurt. Everything on the highway is there for an engineered purpose, so we don’t allow them.” (Still, over the years, highway landscape crews have carefully mowed around a number of crosses and other memorials on California highways.)

State and local governments prohibit roadside memorials to accident victims for a number of reasons, including safety. Wyoming’s policy states that memorials are taken down because the state DOT considers them hazardous. It cites a recent accident in which the death of a child was attributed to a driver who was distracted by a memorial to two young pedestrians killed earlier at the same site.

Supporters of the memorials argue that they represent no more of a distraction than the massive, blinking billboards common along many highways. Additionally, they argue that the memorials break up the monotony of the road, and, thus, may help prevent accidents. (Ironically, a recent safety awareness bulletin by the California Highway Patrol noted that a majority of fatigue-related accidents occur on straight roadways and involve no corrective steering or braking action by the driver. The CHP blames those accidents on “long, monotonous drives.”)

Some states prohibit the memorials because of the maintenance hassle. In Florida, for instance, the climate means heavy roadside vegetation that requires constant mowing. Memorials can hinder that mowing, although their supporters point out that the crews regularly mow around other signs and structures.

Occasionally, however, it is not just the state that objects to the memorials. In Nevada, friends of a young woman killed by a drunk driver recently erected a memorial, but the victim’s family asked the DOT to remove it. Family members said the memorial made their daily drives “almost like going to the cemetery every day.”

In Washington, requests for memorials by friends of victims require permission from the deceased’s family. Other states, such as Idaho, allow either family or friends to request an official marker.

Finally, critics question whether crosses on public land are appropriate. During conflicts in Florida over roadside memorials, the state’s plan to substitute 2-foot white, plastic markers for roadside shrines was criticized because of a constitutional concern about the separation of church and state. Those markers were replaced by the international symbol of safety, a “+” sign, which met similar controversy.

Memorial supporters acknowledge religious concerns, but feel that the use of the cross symbol as a marker of death is so practical and universal that it essentially transcends the original Christian symbolism. (The decision-makers in Florida eventually opted for a non-religious symbol. A new official marker consisting of a circle containing the words “Drive Safely” was approved.)

Washington allows memorial tree plantings and state-provided signs with the words “Please Don’t Drink and Drive” above a plaque with the message “In Memory Of” and the victim’s name. In Idaho, official policy allows simply a five-pointed gold star. The star is supposed to require a permit application and three pages of specifications, but unofficial markers are allowed, so people rarely go through the official process.

“If someone puts up a memorial to a loved one, we don’t trash it,” says Idaho DOT spokesperson Julie Pipal. “We leave it undisturbed unless it is a problem for motorists. We don’t want to put grieving friends and relatives through the authorization process, and we are more focused on building and maintaining our bridges and roadways.”

Removing unofficial markers is a sensitive issue. In Florida, crews remove and store memorials and attempt to contact family members to retrieve the memorial items or to request an official marker.

In Washington, where unauthorized markers also are removed, DOT spokesperson Lloyd Ensley says, “We try to find out who put them up and contact them to explain the reasons for removal. There is a part of the healing process that goes with this. We may even leave them up for a while.” Unofficial, non-religious memorials, he says, may be allowed to remain on highways for limited periods of time.

Nevada Highway Patrol spokesperson Janay Winkler says the markers are “a way for people to feel closure on a very tragic event.” In California, state policy calls for removal and disposal of memorials, though they may remain untouched for months to serve their purpose as a remembrance.

Permitted or not, roadside memorials have increased around the nation, and, for many highway users, they are a thoughtful and appreciated reminder of the dangers of driving and the mortality that everyone shares. “We view them as a positive marker in life, and few of us take offense or feel negatively about them,” Winkler says.

Chris Ross is a Reno, Nev.-based freelance writer.

from a recent NFDA article

Funerals are a difficult time, regardless of your relationship with the person who has died. Funerals aren’t what they were a decade ago, however. Increasingly personal and unique, with an increase in non-traditional funeral services, it is oftentimes challenging to determine what is or isn’t appropriate, from how to express grief to funeral etiquette in changing times. There is no right or wrong answer, but the guiding principle should be your concern for the wishes of the family.

Obituaries can often provide useful information about what can be expected at a service, whether flowers are welcome, or donations to a favorite charity. As funerals become more of the personal celebration of a life, so too, do the practices we’ve come to associate so closely with a funeral service. One of the biggest questions asked today is what is appropriate to wear to a funeral. Tradition used to hold that black was the only appropriate color, but that is no longer the case. Funeral attire is still generally a more formal affair, but bright colors are not necessarily out of place at a service. While more conservative dress is still favored most often, funerals that may reflect a favorite hobby or certain lifestyle may find mourners arriving at a funeral home in biker gear, to give but one example. Again, the presiding rule is to respect the wishes of the family and the deceased, and to pay tribute to them in a way that’s fitting.

Funerals are a time for mourning, but they are also a time of celebration, of remembering a life and sharing those connections. It’s natural to grieve, but it’s also natural to smile through those tears and laugh as you exchange stories with family and friends. Beyond extending condolences, don’t be afraid to offer comfort to a grieving family member by relaying a treasured memory or two about their loved one. Sending a card with a note expressing similar sentiments is also a welcome reminder to families that they are not alone in their loss.

While funerals continue to evolve, the core meaning behind them hasn’t changed. They are an opportunity to remember, to show care for both the departed and the survivors, and to come together as a community to pay tribute to a life. Being aware and respectful of the family’s wishes should provide you with all the guidance you need. Just knowing that you’re there and that you care is often more than enough. Should you have questions, however, your local funeral home can be a good source of advice and information about proper funeral etiquette and what’s expected as a participant in a service.

Members of the National Funeral Directors Association nationwide are participating in a national education For a Life Worth Celebrating™, in an effort to help inform consumers about the many available options when it comes to planning a meaningful funeral service. For more information, contact your local NFDA member funeral home or visit NFDA’s Website.